Valentine's Day Recap and February Life Update

I know that Valentine's Day has long passed, but I wanted to give you all a quick recap of what I wore and how I spent my day! Those closest to me know that Valentine's Day is one of my favorite holidays. I have always loved it regardless of if I was single or in a relationship. I love the colors, the decorations, and the day of appreciation for loved ones. This Valentine's Day, I wanted to go with a special look for my dinner:

 I have had this adorable dress in my closet for so long and I wanted to break it out again! I wore it with nude heels :)

Close up of dress plus Valentine's Day nails! I love having a "party nail" done each time I go to the nail salon. It's my go-to!

In my opinion, this is the best lotion for Valentine's Day. Such a light, feminine scent. 

I love Bath and Body Works candles!

Anthony was sick with some sort of virus and I had to take him to the ER on the Friday of Valentine's Day weekend, and he still wasn't feeling to well when we went to dinner on Sunday. Regardless, we still made it special at the restaurant we went to for last year's Valentine's Day and Sweetest Day.

Now for a February life update. I feel like I have so much to update you all on that I'm not sure where to begin. For starters, I went to see a psychiatrist for the first time at the beginning of the month and was officially diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). Hearing the news made me feel so much better, because things have been so hectic and crazy in the past few months and I needed an answer as to why I have been feeling the way I have. I have no problems or shame in admitting this on my blog because we all go through things in life and all have things that we go through to make us stronger people. I want to be more open about my anxiety because I would love to help people or give them any advice.

College is such a stressful time, and I feel so nervous in the fact that I don't know what my future holds. I still don't have a job secured yet and my mom and I have just put our Lake Barrington house up for sale. There are SO many changes that will be coming up, and I think that my lesson for these next few months is to find comfort in the discomfort and push through these uncertain times. It has been extremely hard for me lately, but I am going to accept this challenge because I want to get through this and not let anxiety and fear take my life over. I know that I am a great candidate and the right job will come to me at the right time.

I am currently working on positive self-talk and just loving myself over all. Feeling as anxious as I do, my self-esteem can be incredibly low at times and it is hard for me to accept compliments and say nice things about myself. I feel like I think of all of the things that are "wrong" with me instead of all of the things that are right. I know that this is a work in progress and it will take time and effort for me to start feeling more positive about myself. If anyone reading this is anxious or stressed, feel free to shoot me a message or send me a text. I am more than willing to listen and talk :)

I also want to start working on strengthening my relationships with my friends. I feel like my friend groups are shifting around so much this year and definitely will even more after graduation. Relationships may end but friends are always there, and I want to spend more time with them and let them know how much I appreciate them!

I hope you enjoyed my post! If someone is reading this and feels stressed, alone, or anxious, you are certainly not alone. We will all get through this together! :) Cheers to the month of love and friendship!

Grace

You Are Not a Failure

Those close to me know that within these past four months, I have suffered from some pretty bad anxiety. Ever since Cruiser passed away, I have felt so broken down. It feels difficult to write these words, as I don't really know what I am trying to say here. I guess that I am writing in the hopes that friends, family, and acquaintances who are feeling the same way as me might find a little peace or comfort knowing that they aren't the only ones who are feeling this way. Writing has always been therapeutic for me, but in the past few months, my writing has kind of stopped. So have a lot of things. 

I remember when I used to make an effort to look nice every single day. Makeup on, cute shoes, nice outfit. Dressing nice has always helped me feel better. Hello, I started this blog as a way to highlight the outfits I put together and how good they make me feel. But this semester, that all just stopped. I remember the very first day of school on January 11: I had picked out a grey cardigan, brown tank top, nice jeans, shoes, and a statement necklace to wear. I wore the outfit to my very first class and took it off shortly after, opting for more comfortable workout clothes for my cycling class. Of course, there is nothing wrong with that, but after that first outfit on the very first day, I stopped trying. Every single day the past few weeks, my outfits have consisted of some kind of old sweatshirt found from my laundry bin, followed by a pair of yoga pants. No makeup, my hair either in a ratty ponytail or covering my face. I feel like that should have told me right then and there that something wasn't really quite right.

Despite taking two public relations capstone courses and three writing classes to finish off my minor, this semester hasn't had a terrible workload so far. However, I believe that an entirely different side of things is taking a toll on me. The job search has been rough and discouraging, my thoughts of having something lined up by now have been completely shattered. I have been riding a horse over winter break that I have grown very attached to and would love to lease, but I am still in school and do not have the funds to do so right now, so I have no idea if someone else will take him in the time being. I am feeling very disconnected from my sorority- a part of me just doesn't care because I just want to get out and graduate as soon as I can, but another part feels sad about how close I was to a lot more people last year and how things are so different this year. A lot of my other senior friends at school are off doing their own thing and some have already graduated. My best friend will be moving to Ohio in the summer to start her new job, and I have no idea how often I will get to see her. The anxiety I have been feeling inside seems to be on some sort of overload, so in order to make myself feel better, I try to make myself appear as put together as possible. Despite that, my illusion is starting to shatter. I find myself breaking down at the simplest of things and stressing myself out, along with the people closest to me trying to help. 

To top things off, I am sick with a sinus infection. This usually happens pretty badly once a year, around this time. I just hate being sick because I am out of commission; no school, and no working out. I feel like I can't do anything, and it makes me feel anxious. However, being home today, I have had a little more time to think about things. 

Why am I spending so much time at war with myself? Why? What is it accomplishing? 

What is trying to be perfect accomplishing? 

Not much of anything. Today, I have fully surrendered to the fact that I am sick. That half-marathon training will have to go on hold for a bit. I have surrendered to the fact that I may be feeling a little lost and anxious, but that is okay. I am not a failure for feeling how I do. No one is a failure for feeling sad, sick, or lost. 

College is a crazy time. We are making friends and losing them, navigating the ups and downs of dating life, getting our hearts broken, and figuring out who we are in the world. 

I have decided that instead of constantly putting myself down and hating on myself, I am going to practice self-compassion. This won't be easy, but I am already feel better. Along with self-compassion comes doing things that make yourself feel good and happy. Whether it is a certain snack, workout class, our outfit. Today, I took some cute shirts out of my closet and put them on my window box in preparation for taking them back to school. For the next few weeks, I am going to trade my sweatshirt and yoga pant combo (though nothing is wrong with wearing them!) in for my nice shirts and jeans.

It is time to start loving myself and feeling like myself again.