You Are Not a Failure

Those close to me know that within these past four months, I have suffered from some pretty bad anxiety. Ever since Cruiser passed away, I have felt so broken down. It feels difficult to write these words, as I don't really know what I am trying to say here. I guess that I am writing in the hopes that friends, family, and acquaintances who are feeling the same way as me might find a little peace or comfort knowing that they aren't the only ones who are feeling this way. Writing has always been therapeutic for me, but in the past few months, my writing has kind of stopped. So have a lot of things. 

I remember when I used to make an effort to look nice every single day. Makeup on, cute shoes, nice outfit. Dressing nice has always helped me feel better. Hello, I started this blog as a way to highlight the outfits I put together and how good they make me feel. But this semester, that all just stopped. I remember the very first day of school on January 11: I had picked out a grey cardigan, brown tank top, nice jeans, shoes, and a statement necklace to wear. I wore the outfit to my very first class and took it off shortly after, opting for more comfortable workout clothes for my cycling class. Of course, there is nothing wrong with that, but after that first outfit on the very first day, I stopped trying. Every single day the past few weeks, my outfits have consisted of some kind of old sweatshirt found from my laundry bin, followed by a pair of yoga pants. No makeup, my hair either in a ratty ponytail or covering my face. I feel like that should have told me right then and there that something wasn't really quite right.

Despite taking two public relations capstone courses and three writing classes to finish off my minor, this semester hasn't had a terrible workload so far. However, I believe that an entirely different side of things is taking a toll on me. The job search has been rough and discouraging, my thoughts of having something lined up by now have been completely shattered. I have been riding a horse over winter break that I have grown very attached to and would love to lease, but I am still in school and do not have the funds to do so right now, so I have no idea if someone else will take him in the time being. I am feeling very disconnected from my sorority- a part of me just doesn't care because I just want to get out and graduate as soon as I can, but another part feels sad about how close I was to a lot more people last year and how things are so different this year. A lot of my other senior friends at school are off doing their own thing and some have already graduated. My best friend will be moving to Ohio in the summer to start her new job, and I have no idea how often I will get to see her. The anxiety I have been feeling inside seems to be on some sort of overload, so in order to make myself feel better, I try to make myself appear as put together as possible. Despite that, my illusion is starting to shatter. I find myself breaking down at the simplest of things and stressing myself out, along with the people closest to me trying to help. 

To top things off, I am sick with a sinus infection. This usually happens pretty badly once a year, around this time. I just hate being sick because I am out of commission; no school, and no working out. I feel like I can't do anything, and it makes me feel anxious. However, being home today, I have had a little more time to think about things. 

Why am I spending so much time at war with myself? Why? What is it accomplishing? 

What is trying to be perfect accomplishing? 

Not much of anything. Today, I have fully surrendered to the fact that I am sick. That half-marathon training will have to go on hold for a bit. I have surrendered to the fact that I may be feeling a little lost and anxious, but that is okay. I am not a failure for feeling how I do. No one is a failure for feeling sad, sick, or lost. 

College is a crazy time. We are making friends and losing them, navigating the ups and downs of dating life, getting our hearts broken, and figuring out who we are in the world. 

I have decided that instead of constantly putting myself down and hating on myself, I am going to practice self-compassion. This won't be easy, but I am already feel better. Along with self-compassion comes doing things that make yourself feel good and happy. Whether it is a certain snack, workout class, our outfit. Today, I took some cute shirts out of my closet and put them on my window box in preparation for taking them back to school. For the next few weeks, I am going to trade my sweatshirt and yoga pant combo (though nothing is wrong with wearing them!) in for my nice shirts and jeans.

It is time to start loving myself and feeling like myself again.