"I think it's time to move on."
This was a sentence frequently exchanged between my best friend and I whenever we vented (read: cried, griped, screamed) about the guys who broke our hearts. We were both still clearly hurting YEARS after the initial heartbreaks, but whenever we would go to each other upset about the Mr. Heartbreaker in question, we would BOTH become annoyed at each other for still being upset, and utter the magic sentence shared above. It did absolutely nothing to make us both feel better. However, it did succeed in, excuse my language- making us both feel like shit.
What about this sentence?
"I don't really think it is healthy that this keeps happening..."
UGH. How many times have we gone to a friend, feeling upset and lost after a fight with a significant other, and gotten THIS for a response?! What is saying something along the lines of "oh, you got in a fight with your boyfriend? That's not healthy!" going to do to make any friend feel better about their fight? Answer... nothing. And to the friends that I have said this to... I LOVE YOU AND I'M SORRY.
Let's be real for a second. As much as those glossy & shiny social media photos may lead you to believe otherwise- couples fight. They bicker, they argue, they pout, but then they get over it and life moves on. As difficult as it can be sometimes, fighting is such a natural part of a relationship. And at the end of the day, we know nothing about our friend's relationship compared to what they know. Who are WE, complete outsiders essentially, to tell them what is healthy and what is not (except for abuse/cheating)? But for your average couple that has an otherwise normal young relationship, getting into a few fights is completely okay. If your friend is coming to you to vent about a fight, ask them if they are alright. All of us (myself included) are so quick to rush to the "what happened?!" and get all of the juicy details. I think that asking our friend if they are okay is the most important first question. Let your friend vent, and then ask how he/she feels. How are you feeling right now? or what are your thoughts right now? Another great question to ask is the actual can I give you advice? It is so common (myself included x1000) to just go ahead and give our best friends unsolicited advice. We think that it is our place to since we are so close, but in some instances (read: relationship problems) where people are especially sensitive, it is important to ask first before we give our opinion.
How about this sentence:
"Break up with him/her."
Oh, man... to those of us in relationships, if we had every dollar for a time we got this sentence after going to someone for advice after a fight, we would be rich.
Why is it a default to tell our friends to immediately break up with a significant other at the sight of a problem or disagreement? I guess we could say it is because we are protective. I think about it in terms of one of my close friends. We have gone through so much relationship BS in the past that when a current boyfriend begins to act up, I get all "grrrrr" protective mama bear. We love our friends and want the best for them, but sometimes, we have to put that protectiveness aside and let them get through these challenges with their significant other, because how else will they grow as a couple and get through it? Especially if they actually, you know, LOVE and care about he person they are with. Hearing "break up with him/her" will honestly do NOTHING for them except make them feel bad.
Okay, getting real again: None of us are "perfect" friends. Each one of us brings a different perspective to the table and we are all there for each other in different ways. Some friends may just be better to talk to about relationships with than others. That doesn't mean one party is the "better" friend and the other one is the "worse" friend.
I think of my close friend Amanda. Whenever I get in a fight or disagreement with my significant other, she doesn't give me advice or direction. Instead, she is genuinely sad for the both of us and offers an ear to listen in on how I am feeling about the argument or how I want to get through it. When things are good between my significant other and I, she is genuinely happy that we are happy.
I think we all need to strive to be more like Amanda in that way. Instead of being quick to say something along the lines of "move on", "that isn't healthy/right/shouldn't be happening", or "break up with him/her", let's be there for our friends and feel for them when they are sad or going through something with their boyfriend or girlfriend. And no matter what decision they decide to make in regards to their relationship, whether it be a breakup then makeup, an anniversary, a trip, or a certain feeling after a big fight, let's be there in 100% support every step of the way.
Grace
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